How many times in our lives have we put our love and our hard work into something and it not work out the way we expected it to?
After waking up this morning I unhurriedly drifted to the kitchen. I thought about all the mishaps from the week before and how I still had not dealt with them. Shorter hours at work, the 1200 bucks for my tuition was due in a week, my laptop was stolen and I would have to cough up an additional thousand on top of dealing with the grief of a broken friendship. I took a deep breath and rolled my eyes toward the back of my head as I turned the kettle on. I sat in my living room to begin my morning meditation, I could hear the cheerful sound of birds chirping from my balcony. I chuckled gently to myself, thinking joyfully, they came back! I walked over to the balcony door and looked up to see that they had in fact come back to the nest they built the year before on the ceiling of my balcony. I could see the twigs from the nest moving, which confirmed my suspicion. I listened for a moment. Walking back to my space I gazed over at the calendar to realize that it was the first day of Spring; the season for transformation. I became excited. I sat and focused on the innocent sound coming from my balcony; my mind went blank.
As I concluded my meditation, I started wandering back to the issues that plagued my mind earlier that morning. This time I made a conscious effort to change my mindset from worrier to warrior. I thought again of my problems from the week before, but this time using a different mindset. I grabbed my post-it notes and flair pen from the dinner table and wrote down the title, “Issue 1: $$$” at the top. I drew a line through the middle. On the left-side I wrote down what I had done to fix this situation. After 30 seconds, I realized I could only come up with one word “worry” I took a deep breath. Before writing on the right side I thought of the resources I had access to and things I could do that were within my control. I wrote down 3 things,1. request an additional client at my second job, 2. reach out to the tutoring company in Westchester County that e-mailed me a few months before, to ask if they were still hiring, and 3. try to create another after-school program for Trimester 3 which would begin next week, so that I can get an additional stipend. These steps were both within reason and feasible.
I organized my post-it the same way to address the next issue. I asked myself what could I have done differently in this situation. Immediately, I began to feel anxious as a list of suggestions came to mind. I realized that this would solve nothing and proceeded to write down what I had already done to address the problem on the left and what I was in my power to do on the right. I was satisfied with the conclusion I came to. Focusing on the “could’ve, would’ve, should’ve” only made things more difficult to deal with. The kettle began to sing. I prayed and got ready to start my day. As I peered through my closet, I remembered a conversation I had with my student Myasia from the Friday before. She asked, “Ms. Joseph, how come you don’t get dressed up anymore?” I sang “I fell off? Ohh I needed that.” referencing lyrics from Drake’s song, “Headline” We both chuckled. The truth was that because I fell into a bout of depression, I stopped caring about my appearance. So, today was the day for my Spring makeover. I decided I had to look my best. When I was done getting dressed. I added a little mascara and lip gloss to seal the deal. I smiled at my reflection in the mirror. Today was is going to be a good day.
I have the tendency to worry. It’s the first thing I do when something goes wrong. I have had this habit for as long as I can remember. My mother would always say to me, “stop worrying, child”. She was right worrying only makes things worse. I constantly remind myself that I’m a hard worker, that when I do things I do it with love, and I believe that God will always protect me. More than likely I am worried about things that are beyond my control, and with that I should let go. Even when I don’t like the door God choses to close, I always end up in the right place. We shouldn’t focus on the things we lose that’s the past, instead we should prepare ourselves for what’s to come. “The grass is always greener where you water it.” I am choosing to use this season as an opportunity for self- care, so that my garden will be plentiful.
Happy First Day of Spring!